How to talk to boys about bullying

If you have a son, you may have noticed that talking about bullying with boys is different. They’re less likely to name it, less likely to tell you, and more likely to internalise it as weakness. This article is for parents, carers, and educators trying to reach boys who are being bullied — or who are doing the bullying.

Why boys are different

From a young age, many boys receive the message that talking about feelings is weakness. ‘Man up’, ‘boys don’t cry’, ‘handle it yourself’ — these phrases teach boys that admitting you’re being hurt is a failure. The result: boys are significantly less likely to report bullying than girls, and when they do report it, they often minimise it.

Boys are also more likely to experience physical bullying and to respond to bullying with aggression — which can lead to them being labelled as the problem rather than the victim. This is particularly true for Black boys, who are disproportionately disciplined in UK schools.

Opening the conversation

Don’t sit him down for a serious talk. Boys often shut down under direct questioning (‘Are you being bullied?’). Instead, try:

• Side-by-side activities — car journeys, walking, cooking, gaming together. Boys talk more when they don’t have to make eye contact.
• Indirect openings — ‘I noticed you’ve been quiet after school lately’ rather than ‘Are you being bullied?’
• Media as a bridge — watch a film or show together that involves bullying, then ask what he thought. It’s easier to talk about a character than about yourself.
• Physical activity — for many boys, moving their body helps them access their feelings. A walk, a kickabout, a drive.

What to say (and not say)

Say these:

• ‘I’ve noticed you seem different lately. I’m here if you want to talk.’
• ‘Whatever’s going on, you’re not in trouble. I just want to make sure you’re okay.’
• ‘It’s not weak to talk about this. It takes more courage than staying silent.’
• ‘What do you want me to do? Do you want help, or do you just need me to listen?’

Don’t say these:

• ‘Man up.’ (This is the worst thing you can say.)
• ‘Just ignore them.’ (If he could, he would.)
• ‘Fight back.’ (This can get him excluded or arrested.)
• ‘What did you do to provoke them?’ (Blames the victim.)

When to get help

If your son is showing signs of withdrawal, anger, sleep disruption, school avoidance, or self-harm, don’t wait for him to talk. Contact his school, your GP, or Childline (0800 1111). You don’t need his permission to keep him safe.