What bullying really looks like — and what to do

If you’re reading this, something is probably happening to you — or to someone you care about — and you’re trying to work out whether it counts as bullying. This article will help you name what’s going on, understand that it’s not your fault, and figure out your next step.

What actually counts as bullying?

Bullying isn’t a one-off argument or a bad day. The standard definition used by UK schools and anti-bullying organisations has three parts. First, it’s repeated — it happens more than once, or it’s clearly threatened to happen again. Second, it’s intentional — the person doing it means to hurt, embarrass, or intimidate you. Third, there’s a power imbalance — they’re bigger, older, more popular, or there’s more of them, which makes it hard for you to defend yourself.

If all three are true, it’s bullying. If only one or two are true, it might still be serious — but it’s worth naming what you’re experiencing so you can figure out what to do.

The different types of bullying

Bullying doesn’t always look like the stereotypes in films. It can be:

• Physical — hitting, pushing, kicking, damaging your things
• Verbal — name-calling, teasing, threats, racist or homophobic language
• Social (relational) — excluding you, spreading rumours, turning friends against you, eye-rolling, whispering
• Cyber — messages, posts, stories, group chats, gaming voice chat, sharing images without consent
• Identity-based — targeting you for your race, faith, sexuality, gender, disability, appearance (including hair, skin colour, body size), or anything else that’s part of who you are

Identity-based bullying is particularly harmful because it attacks who you are, not just what you did. It’s also covered by the Equality Act 2010, which means schools have a legal duty to address it.

The difference between conflict and bullying

Sometimes people get confused about the difference between a disagreement and bullying. The key is the power imbalance and the repetition. If two friends fall out and say hurtful things to each other, that’s conflict — painful, but not bullying. If the same person targets you again and again, and you can’t easily stop them, that’s bullying. It’s also bullying if a group targets one person, even if no single member of the group is doing it repeatedly.

It’s not your fault

This is the most important thing in this whole article. Whatever they’ve said to make you feel like you caused it — that you’re too sensitive, that you brought it on yourself, that you should just take a joke — none of that is true. Bullying is a choice the bully makes. Their behaviour is about them, not about you. You don’t need to change anything about yourself to make it stop.

What to do right now

1. Tell someone you trust. A parent, a teacher, a form tutor, a youth worker, an older sibling — anyone who will listen and help. You don’t have to tell them everything. Even saying ‘something’s going on at school and I need help’ is enough to start.
2. Keep a record. Screenshot messages. Write down dates, times, what was said, who was there. This matters if you need to report it to school or police.
3. Don’t retaliate. It’s tempting, but it can make things worse and get you in trouble instead. Block, mute, walk away.
4. Know your rights. UK schools have a legal duty to prevent and respond to bullying. If your school doesn’t act, you can escalate to the governing body and the local authority.

What to do next

Once you’ve told someone, the next steps depend on what’s happening. If it’s at school, your form tutor or Head of Year should be your first port of call. If it’s online, report it on the platform and block the person. If it involves threats or violence, you can report it to the police by calling 101 (non-emergency) or 999 (emergency).