Spotting the signs your child is being bullied

Most children who are being bullied don’t tell their parents. They might be ashamed, afraid of making it worse, or worried they won’t be believed. As a parent, you’ll often pick up on the signs before your child says anything. This article walks through what to look for — and what to do when you notice it.

Why children don’t tell

Understanding why your child isn’t telling you can help you respond in a way that makes it safe for them to open up. Common reasons include: fear that you’ll overreact and make it worse; shame that it’s happening to them; worry they’ll be called a ‘snitch’; not wanting to worry you; or — heartbreakingly — they’ve tried to tell an adult before and weren’t taken seriously. Some children also genuinely don’t realise what they’re experiencing is bullying, especially if it’s social exclusion or online.

Emotional and behavioural signs

These are the changes you’re most likely to notice first. Look for:

• Sudden mood changes — becoming withdrawn, irritable, anxious, or tearful
• Loss of interest in things they usually enjoy
• Avoiding school — faking illness, refusing to go, or skipping certain lessons
• Drop in academic performance or sudden reluctance to talk about school
• Changes in sleep patterns — trouble falling asleep, nightmares, or sleeping much more than usual
• Changes in appetite — eating much more or much less
• Self-critical language — ‘I’m stupid’, ‘nobody likes me’, ‘I hate myself’
• Signs of self-harm or talking about not wanting to be here

Physical signs

These are less common (physical bullying leaves marks) but important to watch for:

• Unexplained bruises, cuts, or scrapes
• Damaged or missing belongings — phones, bags, PE kit, lunch money
• Frequent headaches or stomach aches, especially on school mornings
• Bedwetting in a child who previously didn’t
• Changes in eating habits — bingeing, restricting, or hiding food

Social signs

Bullying often targets a child’s social life. Look for:

• Suddenly being excluded from a friend group they used to be part of
• No longer talking about friends they used to mention
• Avoiding social events they previously enjoyed
• Spending much more or much less time online — both can be signs
• Receiving messages at all hours and becoming upset after reading them
• Hiding their phone screen when you walk past

The gut feeling

Parents often describe a ‘gut feeling’ that something is wrong before they can name what it is. If you’ve noticed a cluster of the signs above — or even if you haven’t, but something just feels off — trust that instinct. You know your child. The shift in their energy, the way they hold themselves, the things they’re not saying — those are data too.

What NOT to do

When you suspect bullying, it’s tempting to react in ways that can actually make things harder. Try to avoid:

• Don’t panic in front of them. Your alarm will make them more anxious. Stay calm even if you don’t feel calm.
• Don’t interrogate. A barrage of questions will make them shut down. Open the door and let them walk through it.
• Don’t blame. Questions like ‘What did you do to provoke them?’ or ‘Why didn’t you stand up for yourself?’ teach them not to tell you next time.
• Don’t immediately confront the other parent. This often backfires and makes things worse for your child at school.
• Don’t promise to keep it a secret if they tell you something serious. You may need to involve the school. Instead, promise to involve them in decisions about what happens next.

How to open the conversation

Pick a low-stakes moment — a car journey, a walk, cooking together — when your child doesn’t have to make eye contact. Start broad: ‘You’ve seemed a bit down lately. Is anything going on?’ Then wait. Silence is okay. If they say ‘no’, don’t push — try again another day. You can also name what you’ve noticed without making it a question: ‘I’ve noticed you’ve been avoiding school on PE days. I’m not going to make you talk about it, but I’m here when you’re ready.’

When they do start talking, the most important thing you can do is listen. Don’t fix. Don’t minimise. Don’t immediately plan the school phone call. Just listen, believe them, and thank them for telling you. The fixes can come later — first they need to know it’s safe to talk.