When your child is the one doing the bullying

Few things are harder to hear as a parent than ‘Your child has been bullying someone.’ The instinct to defend your child is strong — and understandable. But how you respond in this moment matters enormously, both for your child and for the child they’ve hurt. This article is for parents who’ve had that call, and want to do the right thing.

First: breathe, and don’t react immediately

When the school calls, you’ll feel a flood of emotions — shock, shame, defensiveness, maybe anger at your child. That’s normal. But please don’t act on those feelings in the moment. Thank the school for telling you, ask for the specifics in writing, and ask for time to process before you respond. A calm, prepared parent is much more useful to everyone — including your child — than a reactive one.

Don’t do these things

• Don’t immediately defend your child. ‘They’d never do that’ or ‘The other child is lying’ shuts down the conversation and signals to the school that you’re not a partner.
• Don’t minimise it. ‘It’s just kids being kids’ or ‘It wasn’t that serious’ tells your child that this behaviour is acceptable.
• Don’t shame your child. Calling them a bully, screaming at them, or making them feel worthless will make them defensive and less likely to change.
• Don’t punish before you understand. Grounding them for a month before you’ve heard their side teaches them to hide things from you.
• Don’t contact the other family directly. This almost always goes badly. Let the school mediate.

Understanding why children bully

Children who bully are not ‘bad kids’. Bullying is a behaviour, not an identity — and behaviours have reasons. Common drivers include:

• Unmet needs — for status, belonging, control, or attention
• Modelling — they’ve seen bullying behaviour at home, online, or in their community, and learned that it works
• Unresolved hurt — they’re being bullied themselves, or dealing with something difficult at home, and displacing it
• Social pressure — they joined in because the group was doing it and they didn’t want to be the next target
• Lack of empathy skills — some children genuinely don’t understand the impact, especially online
• Identity-based beliefs — they’ve absorbed racist, homophobic, or ableist attitudes from somewhere and are acting them out

Understanding the reason doesn’t excuse the behaviour. But it tells you what needs to change. A child who bullies because they’re being bullied needs different support from a child who bullies because they’re seeking status.

The conversation with your child

Wait until you’re calm. Then find a quiet moment and open gently: ‘I had a call from school today. They told me [specifics]. I want to hear your side.’ Then listen. Don’t interrupt. Don’t cross-examine. Even if they minimise or lie at first, stay calm. Your job is to understand their version, not to extract a confession.

When they’ve finished, reflect back what you heard: ‘So what you’re saying is…’ Then, calmly, name what happened: ‘What you did was bullying. It hurt [name], and it’s not okay.’ Don’t moralise for an hour. Short, clear, and firm is more powerful than a lecture.

What to do instead of punishment

Punishment alone rarely changes bullying behaviour. What works is a combination of:

1. Natural consequences — losing phone access if the bullying was online, or being excluded from the social context where it happened
2. Restorative action — with the school’s support, a facilitated conversation or written apology to the child who was hurt. This should never be forced on the other child.
3. Addressing the underlying need — if your child was seeking status, help them find healthier ways to get it. If they were modelling behaviour they saw at home, look at that honestly.
4. Building empathy — talk through the impact of what they did. Ask: ‘How do you think [name] felt? How would you feel?’ This is uncomfortable but essential.
5. Professional support — if the bullying is part of a pattern of aggression, or if your child has their own unaddressed hurt, a few sessions with a counsellor can be transformative

Working with the school

Stay in partnership with the school. Thank them for telling you. Ask what they’ve observed. Agree on a plan — both at school and at home. Check in regularly. A child who bullies needs consistent messaging from all the adults in their life that the behaviour is unacceptable, that they’re still loved, and that they have it in them to do better.

If the school is wrong

Sometimes schools mislabel behaviour as bullying when it’s a one-off conflict, or they get the facts wrong. If you genuinely believe your child didn’t do what they’re accused of, you can push back — but do it respectfully and with evidence, not by attacking the school. Ask for the specifics, ask who witnessed it, and ask for a meeting with the head of year to discuss your concerns.