Talking to your child about bullying

If your child has been bullied — or you suspect they have — the conversation you have with them is one of the most important moments in their recovery. Get it right, and they learn that adults can be trusted. Get it wrong, and they may not tell you again. This article walks through how to create the right conditions, what to say, and what to avoid.

Create the right conditions

Children open up when they feel safe, when there’s no pressure, and when they don’t have to make eye contact. The classic ‘sit down at the table, we need to talk’ setup is the worst possible environment. Instead, look for moments where you’re side by side:

• In the car (you’re both looking forward, not at each other)
• On a walk (movement helps anxious children talk)
• Cooking together (your hands are busy, which lowers the stakes)
• Just before bed (the dark feels safer for hard conversations)
• Walking the dog or doing a low-key errand together

Avoid moments when they’re already upset, when siblings are around, or when you’re rushing. The aim is a calm, private, low-stakes moment where the conversation can unfold naturally.

How to open

Don’t start with ‘Are you being bullied?’ — that’s a yes/no question that’s easy to deflect. Instead, make an observation and leave space: ‘You’ve seemed a bit quiet lately. Is anything going on?’ Then wait. Count to ten in your head if you need to. Silence is uncomfortable for adults, but it’s often where children find their words.

Other openings that work:

• ‘I noticed you haven’t mentioned [friend’s name] lately. Are you two still close?’
• ‘You seemed upset after school yesterday. Do you want to talk about it?’
• ‘I read something about bullying at school today and it made me think of you. Is everything okay?’
• ‘I’m not going to ask you a bunch of questions. I just want you to know that if anything is ever going on, you can tell me and I’ll believe you.’

Listen without fixing

This is the hardest part for parents. The moment your child starts talking, your brain will start problem-solving: ‘I’ll call the school’, ‘I’ll talk to that child’s parents’, ‘You should do X’. Resist this. When you jump to solutions, your child hears: ‘My feelings are a problem to be solved, not an experience to be understood.’ They may stop talking.

Instead, do this:

• Stay quiet while they talk. Don’t interrupt.
• Use small affirmations: ‘Mm’, ‘I’m so sorry’, ‘That sounds really hard.’
• Reflect back what you hear: ‘So they’ve been doing this every lunchtime for two weeks?’
• Ask what they need: ‘What would be most helpful? Do you want me to do something, or do you just need me to listen?’
• Thank them for telling you. Mean it. ‘Thank you for trusting me with this’ is powerful.

What to say (and not say)

Some phrases help. Some hurt. Here’s the difference:

Say these:

• ‘I believe you.’
• ‘It’s not your fault.’
• ‘I’m glad you told me.’
• ‘We’re going to figure this out together.’
• ‘What do you want to happen next?’
• ‘I’m here whenever you want to talk — today, tomorrow, in the middle of the night.’

Don’t say these:

• ‘Are you sure you’re not overreacting?’ (They’ll never tell you anything again.)
• ‘What did you do to make them do that?’ (Blames the victim.)
• ‘Just ignore them.’ (They’ve probably been trying this for weeks.)
• ‘Stand up to them.’ (If they could, they would.)
• ‘When I was your age…’ (Makes it about you, not them.)
• ‘Don’t cry.’ (Let them feel what they feel.)

If they won’t talk

If your child says ‘I’m fine’ or refuses to open up, don’t force it. Pushing will make them retreat further. Instead, leave the door open: ‘Okay. I’m here whenever you’re ready — no questions asked.’ Then check in gently over the next few days with low-key connection: a favourite meal, a film together, a small gesture that says ‘I see you’. Sometimes children need to test whether you’ll still be there before they trust you with the hard stuff.

If you’re genuinely worried — if there are signs of self-harm, sudden withdrawal, or talk of not wanting to be here — that’s different. In that case, you may need to act even without their full disclosure. Call Childline together (0800 1111) or contact your GP. You don’t need their permission to keep them safe.

After the conversation

Once they’ve talked (or even if they haven’t), follow up the next day. A simple ‘Thanks for talking to me yesterday. I’ve been thinking about what you said’ shows that you took it seriously and that the conversation didn’t disappear into the ether. Then, if appropriate, start talking about next steps — but always with them, not over them.